If you’re not first, you’re last!

I remember many years ago I dating someone that told me some sage advise. He said, “You choose one person to spend the rest of your life with, your partner should be the most important thing in your life.”.  There are many things that contribute to this Ricky Bobby catch phrase ‘If you’re not first, you’re last’, let me go over a few that I have come over in my life.

It’s funny when you are in the midst of a new found love.  You can’t do enough for the other person, so oblivious to the fact that they are doing nothing or the bare minimal for you. It took me 15 years before I realized that I was single-handedly maintaining my relationship. I blame it on my Father having three daughters and turning us into very independent women, borderline men. He took us hunting, fishing, we were slave labor in the garden and orchard, helped him pour cement on side jobs. We learned how to change tires and the oil in our cars while he repeated the mantra, “You better learn how to do it yourself, nobody else is going to do it for you.”.  Now, let’s back up and analys why he was giving us this advise.  His marriage to my Mother was based on the foundation that he didn’t do anything for her, he was setting us up for the only thing he knew.  In his world, the husband doesn’t do anything for the wife.

Fast forward to my own marriage. The way I was raised and what I saw in my own family, I only knew what I knew. I ended up being a do it all yourself kind of girl, plus the female in me makes me do for everyone else as well.  My relationship was a vicious cycle of always being left behind.  When both partners put the other person first, you inevitably are both first! When you have person number one putting person number two first, but person number two is putting themselves first, the balance is offset and just like Jenga the blocks it will collapse. It took me many years to come to the realization that I was fighting an endless battle and I was tired of losing the game, picking up my fallen blocks and trying to rebuild a tower that was just going to fall again. Finally after a year of therapist and counselors,  three mental health professionals all told me he suffered from Narcissism (along with a long list of other ‘isms’), I threw in the towel.  NEXT!  Am I bitter, heck no! I find addiction, mental illness and depression very interesting! It has also educated me to see the warning signs early in a relationship instead of taking years. I remember when Morphine Man (I ended the relationship when he went to the ER because he needed a shot of morphine), he wanted make amends, but at that point I knew his PTSD, problematic kids and depression would always take center stage. NEXT!

When women have kids, a lot of them will put their kids first. When I am giving my Pure Romance spiel, I try to convey that partners need to come first (nice play on words, I know) or their relationship will fail. I love when women will give me that look of disdain, the frown of judgement is a silent proclaim to be a better parent than me. Well lady, good luck with that. While you were letting your kids sleep in your bed, rule the roost and putting your kids first, your partner just found someone else to take care of their basic needs!

Being in the dating pool I have gone through my faze of what I thought I was looking for. I love when I meet a man and they tell me, “My kids come first.” Really? Then where is there room for me or any personal relationship? I often wonder if they are just saying the words they think a woman wants to hear or if they really believe they are putting their kids first? NEXT! I went through my stint of going out with men that met the requirement ‘never been married, never had kids’.  In my head I was thinking, great, no baggage! It only made me come to the conclusion that the only person a bachelor ever had to consider is themselves. Think about it, once a man in their 40’s and 50’s, every decision they have ever made about living location, career, vacation, vehicle they drive (bet they don’t have a minivan), meals they eat, when they eat, EVERYTHING has been based on themselves. Rarely have they had to take anyone’s feelings or thoughts into consideration when making every day choices.  This person will never understand the concept of putting anyone before themselves on a regular basis. I recall one of my professional bachelors and his last quote to me was, “We need to start doing more for each other.” Are you kidding me? Let’s see buddy, in less than two months I have helped you move, cooked for you, brought you supplies when you were sick….. what have you done for me? Oh that’s right, nothing! NEXT!

I had David Coleman on my Dare to Date show last week. He is a very wise relationship expert, dubbed as the Dating Doctor. He claimed that if you have kids, it’s near impossible to date someone that doesn’t. After a lot of trail and error on my part, I agree.  Those that don’t have kids won’t have the same life experience such as eating a sandwich while you are up to your elbows in crap or knowing the self control it takes not to throw your kid out the window.  The Dating Doctor also believes that children will always come first. This is the one area that I disagree.  He used the analogy,  if a bullet is coming, you are going to protect your child not your partner. That is a no-brainer, any parent is going to save their child. It’s basic animal instinct.

Compare two pack animals, humans and dogs. The survival of the pack (family) depends on the hierarchy (parents) to produce (have babies) and raise those pups for survival. That means giving your own pups the tools they need to survive on their own! Yes, as pack animals we have the family unit around us and still support (hopefully not financially, that’s another way of ruining a marriage) our pups, but they need to be independent enough to find a mate and have pups of their own for the longevity of the pack. The parents will always protect their young to the death while keeping the bond between themselves the strongest for the survival of the entire unit.

Remember, you choose one person to spend your life with. One day, your kids will be grown, gone and you will be left with the person you share your bed with. Do you think you are that spectacular you can rekindle the bond after you have been ignoring them for years and putting their needs on the back burner?  Don’t you want to show your offspring the secret of their own successful relationship is based on putting their partner first? A proud day it will be for this Mother when my child calls to tell me they will not be home for the Thanksgiving holiday because he is meeting his girlfriends family. He is doing the right thing to earn her love and she better be giving him a lifetime of thank you’s with her mouth! Yes, I said earning love. Every day you want to be sure to earn the respect and love of your partner, never take it for granted.

It doesn’t matter if you are married, seriously dating or searching for that special someone. When you put your partner first, you need the same in return. Do not settle until you find that counter part that is willing to do the same for you!

To listen to my online talk show Dare to Date, every Tuesday at 8pm go to: http://www.talkexchangeradio.com

For more information on me and Pure Romance, go to: http://www.denisetrobee.com

Can’t date-up or date-down

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What exactly does this mean? Dating up means that you are striving to date above who you are and dating down obviously means the opposite.

Think of when you were a little girl, watching Disney movies, television shows and being told we could achieve anything we wanted. I am here to give you the honest truth, when it comes to dating, dating up or dating down will never work!

Groupies rarely married the lead singer of the band, they were just booty calls. They may have been making molds of famous rocker cockers, but those Plaster Caster girls only ended up with a bunch of famous hard hard peeps while the wives ended up with the hard cash. The Disney princesses were no different. Jasmine? Believe me, the first family dinner, she was not going to invite Aladdin’s family. What an embarrassment they would have been at the dinner table when his family asked for a glass of Wild Irish Rose wine or conversation revolved around Aladdin’s latest hoodlum relative being sent out into the desert to die a horrible death.

I remember a couple of years ago when I put a post on Facebook:  WANTED: A man

I listed ten different stipulations on criteria. The usual things that most of us are looking for, a few that raised a couple eye brows. I am known as the person that says what everyone else is too afraid to say. I am only 5’3″, short for a women, even shorter for a man. One of my favorite quotes is, “You need to be this tall (imagine my hand waving five inches above my head) to ride this ride (now imagine my hands going down the sides of my body).” Call it a primitive basic need, that I think a man should be taller than me, but seriously, he will get hurt in the bedroom if I can over power him. I might be small, but I am scrappy, strong and physical and leave bruises.

The BIG debate came when I posted salary a requirement that was in my own ball park. Friends thought I was completely bonkers, unrealistic and putting too much of a demand and importance on monetary value. I was called materialistic and I am quite sure the word bitch most likely passed a few mouths.   I make a decent living selling Pure Romance products, I worked very hard to get where I am and I live a comfortable life style. There is no way I am dating down and going out with the guy is just getting by with his job as a clerk at the local gas station. Why? 1. he will not be able to support me, which equates to he will not feel like a man enough to date me. Even if I don’t need his financial support, a real mans basic need is to be able to support his mate. 2. I can promise you our goals in life are very different and our backgrounds. I like to go on a few trips a year, I have a comfortable retirement plan, I do I can

Does this sound snobby and pretentious? Maybe, but I also realize that I will not be going out with the Prince of Dubai, Owen Wilson or a local surgeon in my town. Face it, we don’t have the same friends, back round, education or life style. I don’t expect Lenny Kravitz to ever have the opportunity to ask me out on a date. Cold hard fact that I have come to grips with.

Now, let me talk about dating up/down in age! I recently dragged a friend of mine to a Meetup group for singles. It was advertised for over 40’s, which was my perfect age group. I had to pick up my friend at her house since she broke her foot a couple weeks ago and isn’t able to drive. I made a joke about bringing her walker so she could use it to get pity dates, she declined my offer of lugging it into my car. We pulled up to the event parking lot, a 55 year old Stevie Nicks clad women strolled passed us and I apologized to my friend for bringing her. We walked up to the glass doors, passed a women in a walker (you can’t make this shit up) peered in and again I apologized to my friend begging her for forgiveness. She gave me the pep talk, “Denise, we are here. One, two, three, open the door!”. Gasp, the median age of the crowd was 65! I am only 47 years old, this was my parents age group and all I wanted to do was get to the bar! We slithered up to the bar (as best we could with her broken foot) and for a $2.50 vodka! Yes, that is not a typo, it was at the local VFW which should have been my first red flag.  While at the bar, we met three other ladies that were our same age.  A sigh of relieve came over all five of us like we were long lost friends from decades ago, even though we had never met before. As we cased the joint, we knew that we were the only ones in our age group, a bond was made and we stuck together like pack of elephants not allowing any men into our matrilineality inner circle. When a man would approach, one of us would let out a roar and they would be on to the next heard. I had the preconceived notion that it was going to be a room full of Steeler jerseys and white sneakers, I was wrong. It was a room full of pinky rings, Brylcreem and orthopedics, I will admit I was very wrong. These men and women were dressed to impress and get laid that night! I have never partaken in such a spectacle of dirty dancing, bumping and grinding! When the lights flickered, we knew this was the cue for the men to take their Viagra in order to be ready to go in the next hour.

I sent a letter to the woman in charge of the event, that I appreciate her work putting together very successful singles events for the last five years, but she might want to put in the description that it’s over 50 demographics, not 40 since the median age was 65. Her reply to me was not very nice and she made it clear to me that there were in fact men in their 40’s in attendance. Yes, I don’t doubt there were a couple, maybe she needs to know the definition of the word median and demographics? If your median age is 65, it would only make sense that your demographic target is over 50 crowd, you have more people over the age of 50.  You advertise for over 50 since most people are over the age of 50 only a fraction are in the 40 age group!  I need to get off this crazy roller coaster, you can’t try to explain common sense and logistics to someone about age this is much older than you. They might feel like they are 45, but in fact, they are not. Again, you can’t date up or date down, even with age.

Don’t forget to listen to my Dare to Date talk show every Tuesday night at 8:00 pm

http://www.talkexchangeradio.com/

 

Failure to Communicate

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Lately, the talk on the street is that there is no talk on the street. We have become a society of communicating through text, email, Facebook and believe the only way we are going to meet a potential date is online.

Do you remember the giddy feeling you used to get when you opened a brand new album? Hoping the lyrics were included so you can sing the correct words instead of mumbling during the music? The anticipation of hoping the inside included candid photos of the band to give you a glimpse of what they do in their off time. Please, please, please let the album be like a book with many pages to flip through! The excitement was infectious, you couldn’t wait to get together with your friends and play your new record as loud as you could while examining the cover and it’s contents over and over.  What do you do now? Download music on your phone, put in your earplugs and listen by yourself.  Where is the personal touch? You have nothing that is tangible to give you that feeling of being special.

We have become a society of wanting the quickest response without any substance. Not only have we resorted to meeting people through the computer, but have resorted to communicating and reading books through technology as well. We believe that looking at our friends tweets and Facebook statuses are keeping us in contact with them and what our friendships are based upon.

Why do I think there is a failure to this system when it comes to dating? You meet someone online, which in itself has a litany of faults since you do not know WHO this person is to begin with. They communicate with you via ‘_____(insert dating site name) chat’. Of course they put their best foot forward and whew you with all the things to grab your initial intention such as, ‘I see you have a dog. I like dogs (you need to say it in your best Forrest Gump voice).”

If there is a second base in this new way of communicating, they ask for your phone number. Now, this can go one of two ways:

1. They can go the down the path of Whoresville and send you a picture of their penis. I am assuming a women would send a man a breast shot or worse a picture of their vulva. I have never received a peep pic from someone I didn’t know, but virtually every other woman I know has.  Not sure how I have stayed out of that dirty infested pool of peep, but that is one area I am glad I haven’t been privy. I can almost guarantee those same residents of Whoresville had a shirtless picture of themselves online, right?  If that is what you have been looking for, good for you, you found a guy that always puts his peep first.

2. They have your phone number and instead of calling, they set you up for text-o-rama. Oh, they text the hell out of you.  How cute and thoughtful they are when they start with the good morning text, continue throughout the day and give you the last good night text. This goes on for days, possibly even weeks. It’s shocking how many things you have in common! Call it kismet!  You cannot believe your luck, out of all those hundreds of pictures you weeded through, you have finally found someone you have such an unbelievable connection with!

Again, this can go two ways. I am trying do this without an Excel spread sheet, I hope you are still following me on this.

1. They stop texting you. Flat line.  I hear this same scenario happening to women all the time on my private singles page. The whole reason why that person never bothered to pick up the phone and call you is because the phone is too personal. It’s a tool to use when you actually want to communicate and get to know someone.  Believe me, if he is texting you, he is texting a few others. He’s in an orchard of women. Apples on the top branches are high and too much effort, he is going to go for the easy pickin’ ones on the lowest branches. Quicker to that American Pie scene for a place to stick it.

2. They ask you out for coffee, drink or dinner.  Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Good golly, finally after all that technology, you get to communicate face to face!

Are you ready? Again, this can go one of two ways:

1. Is it just what you anticipated? Did he lure you with a ten year old pictures? Maybe he thought he was like Benjamin Button and actually gets better looking with age.  Is he five inches shorter than the profile said? He was hoping you wouldn’t notice or don’t know the difference between 5’5″ and 5’10”.  Are you ready for this one? How about the woman who met a man and wait for it, wait for it……. he was in a wheelchair. I am not saying anything negative about being confined to a wheelchair, but don’t you think that should be disclosed information before you meet someone?

2. Hopefully, after that long process of cold technology, you meet and he didn’t chop you up and put you in the microwave.  One word of advise though, this is where a lot of women get confused, consumed and careless. Do not think that one date is dating! Keep your options open and do not put all your fertile eggs in his basket!

What happened to the days when we would meet someone at a dinner party, sporting event, at a bar or through work? When did it become taboo to see what we like and  pass along our phone number?  Why is it passe for that person actually pick up the phone, dial our number to ask us out on a date?  When did people become so socially awkward that we don’t know how to approach people that we want to get to know better? We have become a society of hiding behind our computers, cell phones and ear buds and lost the basic skills of introduction.

Why is it considered too committed to pick up the phone and plan an activity outside of the house?  We believe if they accept our friend request on Facebook, this is a sure sign of them wanting to get to know us.  The excitement feel when someone ‘likes’ our latest profile picture or update! Oh goody, that MUST mean that he likes me! I am sure he only liked my status today and not the other three hundred women that are his friends.

Technology is great for business, but not always the best idea when we want to feel those butterflies like when you bought U2’s War album or reading the wise quotes of Atticus Finch over and over in your dog eared pages of To Kill a Mockingbird.

To listen to my online radio show about dating go to: http://www.denisetrobee.com for information.

About

Why do I think my dating blogs are worth reading? After twenty years of marriage, I was thrown into the pit of dating and had no clue the do’s and don’ts! I have learned through trial and error, reading and listening to others.

I am a single Mother of two in my last forties with an interesting career that gives me interesting results.I have been selling Pure Romance products for the last 13 years and I am one of the top in the industry of bedroom/romance accessories for the largest adult party plan company. My customers and my business have given me many stories and a lot of insight. My website is: http://www.denisetrobee.com/

I also have an online radio show called Dare to Date, Tuesdays at 8pm. To listen and more information, go here: http://www.talkexchangeradio.com/A year ago I also started a support group for single women. It’s a private Facebook page, if you would like to be added, please go to my website and let me know!

via About.

Single women unite!

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I grew up on the Mary Tyler Moore show, how I fantasized about being her! She had fashion forward clothes, exciting job and super cool apartment. Mary also had a lot of good friends to keep her company, witty and had the best hair styles. She didn’t need a man! Stark contrast of how society makes you feel in every day life. I suppose I need to remind myself it was a television show set in Minneapolis and not the reality of my life in Pittsburgh.

When you are a woman past the age of thirty and still single, we should wear a shirt that says, ‘I’m single, not sick’, that way, you won’t have to see the tilted heads, pursed lips in a frown and hear the ohhhs of sadness when people find out you are not married. It doesn’t matter if you are single because of divorce or you just haven’t met the right person to make that commitment, you are examined as if you have an infectious growth on your face. Watch out, you might catch the single cooties!

I was warned by a woman while I was going through my divorce. She told me, “You are going to lose a lot of friends and not be invited out anymore.”. Of course I scoffed at the crazy ranting, believing that I was the exception to that unwritten rule or that she is just a bitter divorcee. When in fact, nobody is ever excluded from the married women vs. single women game.

You expect the friends that you make through marriage (or long time partnership) to take a side and either remain your teammate or defect to the other team. It’s only natural that when you get divorced, you divorce some mutual friends, it just comes with the territory.  I remember telling one of my friends through marriage, about a recent date and her reply was, “I just can’t even talk to you anymore, I can’t relate.”. Are you kidding me? Am I that disfigured from the single cootie disease that you can’t be my friend? That was the start of The Education of Denise reality show.

What you don’t expect are those invitations, by the people on your team, to end. The dinner parties that you’ve attended for years come to a halt.  Superbowl parties and informal gatherings start to disappear. It’s a very coupled world and nobody really knows what to do with you if you are not part of a duo. Funny how single men are looked upon as happy bachelors, a good catch and fortunate to be able to stick that thing in all kinds of places. I often wonder what kind of antibiotic they are using to avoid the disfiguring single cootie disease? Maybe it’s some super human force field that only men are privy to.

I remember my last invitation to a New Years Eve party, when I was talking to an acquaintance and she told me, “By the way, that is MY husband over there.”. Really sister? On a bad day I wouldn’t boink (trying to keep it G-rated) your husband! Why in the world would anyone assume that just because I am single, that all of the sudden you better hide your men folk? Was it the fact that, unlike most people, I was completely monogamous during my twenty year marriage? Is it my job of selling sexual aides? Could be, but I never have men at my parties because I know my lively hood depends on the trust of women and they will not be able to trust me if their men are present at the in home parties. My past actions and reputation never added up to “keep that hussy away from our men” attitude that I was getting.

The only reason I could come up with is, oh good gravy do I dare say it? Yeah, you married women are insecure! Please don’t be that uncomfortable about your relationship that you think every single woman is after your guy! Honestly, knowing what I know from my Pure Romance party customers, I would be more worried about your married friends!

I have dealt with my fair share of cock blockers as well. For those of you that are new to this term, this is the person that blocks you from a potential single cock. The amusing part is that cock blockers do not need to be single, in fact, my cock blockers are married. Again, very sad to think that married women will not fix you up with someone, that was clearly asking about your single friend, for the mere fact that they are fantasizing about that particular cock. I swear I do not remember Mary Tyler Moore dealing with this on her show! Sue Ann Nivens (played by the hilarious Betty White) was a a cock blocker, but she was single! And Rhoda would have never blocked Mary from potential peep!

Next week I am starting Dare to Date, a radio talk show about dating in the modern world.  I keep asking myself why would anyone want to listen to me? To know that you are not alone! After my divorce, it took me three years to revamp my circle of trust and friendships.  Over a year ago, I started a private Facebook group to help other women feel support, guidance and give them a place to vent or laugh about the similarities we go though. Dating is hard enough, combined with the stigmas that others put upon us, it’s near impossible if you don’t have a fabulous circle of trust.   SINGLE WOMEN UNITE!

Dare to Date starts October 1st. 8pm

Here is the link to listen: http://www.talkexchangeradio.com/#!our-shows/c1flu

If you would like to be added to my woman only singles Facebook page, please go to denisetrobee.com and let me know.

Online dating, be the smart shopper!

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Three years ago, when I first became single, I put myself on a dating site. It doesn’t matter if you choose Match.com, eHarmony or PlentyofFish. You see the commercials, you hear urban legends of someone knowing someone, that has a neighbor, that met this great guy online. Your friends laugh at your idea of putting yourself out there in the cyber world, then someone whispers to you, “I’ve been online for five months.”.  It widely thought that only losers are desperate enough to put themselves out there in such an open and cheesy way, but what else is a girl to do?

I was married for twenty years. The last time I was on the dating scene, I was in my early twenties. My life was encompassed by single people, not by choice but by circumstance. School, work, apartment building… For the most part, your entire environment revolves around being twenty something with tons of perspective singles surrounding you. Fast forward twenty plus years to those of us divorced and in our forties. By circumstance and age, we are surrounded by a very coupled world.

My job revolves around women, I am not meeting men at work. I am involved in a co-ed team sport, unfortunately, you should never ‘dip your pen in the company ink’ theory is the same for a crew team. Never put your oar in another persons boat. I am friendly and outgoing, but in a world full of cock blocker girl friends (I’ll save that story for another blog), I was left with no other choice. Oh, I could sit around on the weekends and become the proverbial cat lady and pet my own kitty, but I am very much a dog person and like the company of men.

It is frightening to come to the realization, am I really this desperate to upload pictures and write something personal about myself for strangers to read? What do I say? Hell, I don’t have any pictures of myself that don’t include at least three other women. Time to crop. Most of my pictures I am decked out in cocktail dresses from work events. I decided to put one picture how I usually look, sporting a baseball hat, paddling a kayak.  I was told by a man on a site, “Why would you put a picture like on here? It’s not flattering.”. Listen, if you think I’m dolled up to scrub toilets, you are sadly mistaken.  I spend the majority of my week in spandex and pony tails, it’s my look. You have to learn that when a man makes a comment like that, it’s a red flag that he is not athletic and/or only looking for a physical relationship, which is fine if that is what you want. Let’s be honest, most of us are like a cat out of a cage when we first have the freedom of being single after such a long monogamous relationship.

Three years of exploring this venue plus talking to many women through my Pure Romance business, I have come to realize a few fatal flaws with online dating. Think about going shoe shopping at a Mall and all the stores have a spectacular 75% off sale! With this sensory overload, you either buy many shoes or walk away with none because wonder if the next store has better shoes? Believe me, men are guilty of this over stimulation of choices even more than women. We are looked at as disposable and temporary,  wonder if there are better shoes at the next store?  I remember overhearing a man say to his newly divorced brother, “There is lots of p@$$y out there, get yourself onine!”. They are born to conquer. Once they conquer the quest, they are off to the next. Make sure you go to the Urban Dictionary for the word conquer, perfect analogy.

Ladies, do not be fooled. That is exactly what most men are thinking as they are going through the thousands of pictures of women. We make ourselves easy pickens. For the most part, women are looking for a lasting relationship but we are setting the standard from the beginning for short term success. When you are in your early dating years, you are usually acquaintances with someone first. Through work, school or mutual friends you get to observe. You see who they are friends with, what they act like when sad, drunken behavior, work ethic, how they treat and interact with others etc…. You notice their true personality over time, then decide if you are attracted to those qualities or if you want them to stay in the friends zone or strickly dickly one night stand.

This all important process is missing when you meet someone online. Men are certainly not bringing you around their friends or family any time soon, if ever.  When you are reading their profile or only have one on one interaction, they can create an amazing application for your ‘job’ and become whomever they want. You don’t have any mutual friends to warn you he is a man whore, hasn’t paid child support in over a year or in fact still lives in the basement of the house he shares with his ex wife. I love hearing the excuse they are divorced or separated, but they can’t afford to move out. Buddy, if you can’t afford to move out, you can’t afford me!

Do I sound jaded and believe there is no hope for middle aged single women? Not at all. We need to educate ourselves, take the time to notice the red flags, Amber alerts and when to surrender the white flag and walk away. Take yourself out of your comfort zone to join a networking group, observe others when you are out with your friends, volunteer at a local charity, get involved with a Meetup group that interest you.

Google the heck out of that person once you have a name! Have they been arrested for breaking/entering and assault? Do they have any DUI’s or charges against them for stealing money from the place they volunteer? You can find out a lot from a Google search! I’m not smart enough to make up these stories, this is reality! Sadly my reality.

Lastly, take your time! What is the big rush to get emotionally attached and in a serious relationship? It’s not like your baby clock is ticking at this point in your life. Find other avenues to keep yourself occupied so you are not making bad decisions. It’s better to be alone than in bad company, take your time and know that you are worth exactly what you deserve!

You protect your being when you love yourself better. That’s the secret. ~ Isabelle Adjani

 

 

 

 

The Wiz!

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Most of the men I have met over the last three years have been from online dating sites. There are some things you just can’t list on these sites about yourself.  You know, things like: time spent in the pokey, you don’t own your own car or the fact that you don’t have a job.  I myself do not bother confiding to someone that I sell ‘bedroom accessories’ until after I meet them.  I can tell a lot by their facial expressions when I spring this news on them and if they are going to be a keeper or a creeper. If you vomit all your information on a dating site, what is left to talk about when you meet the person and start going out, right?

After a month of going out with a particular man, he very calmly told me he likes urination and we needed to partake in the activity because it was very important to him.  I am sure it was right at the top of his priority list with breathing, eating and sleeping. The many years of selling ‘romance items’ has taught me to put on a poker face when someone divulges their personal stories, hijinks or fetishes. It has also taught me that people only confide a fraction of what they really do. There is much, much more that they are not telling you! I left this particular discussion very confused and silent.

Immediately, I called a friend and told her about the conversation.   My confusion wasn’t about the act of Urophilia, but he was never clear on who he expect the be the pee-er and the pee-ee. Good gravy, was he serious?  I researched the subject and found out that it can be pretty disturbing depending on the severity of what they desired. Did he want to urinate on me? That would be a big fat no, too degrading.  Did he want me to pee on him in the shower? Not a big deal, it saves on flushing the toilet.  Did he want to sit in a tub full of urine? Big red flag that there is a whole bunch of deep seeded crazy going on there!

In my naive and Urophilia novice mind, for a hot second I pulled an Anastasia in Fifty Shades of Gray. I thought, this isn’t a big deal, it must be because the other women he had been with in the past were boring and he needed to experiment with various Paraphilias.

In reality this particular person ended up being bipolar, took himself off medication and would get angry when I would close the bathroom door since he wanted to touch my urine every time I went to the bathroom. Yeah buddy, that is a hard no! I spent many years with my kids and dogs knocking down my bathroom door and never having privacy, now that my kids are grown I am certainly not going backwards. It was time to shake my head, stop justifying another persons behavior that I am just not comfortable with. Remember, Fifty Shades of Gray books are pure dime store fantasy from start to finish. A fetish is a fetish and someone doesn’t magically change and usually it does come with other issues.

I seem to always refer back to the Maya Angelou quote, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’. As women, we are always looking for the positive in others and try to make excuses for their behavior. That type of reasoning is never healthy for us and sometimes you just have to walk away.

After running out on the Wiz one night (I nickname everyone and thought it was an appropriate name), I discussed the situation with my sister and she reminded me of the Sex and the City episode ‘Politically Erect’. This is when the Counsilman wanted Carrie to urinate on him.  At that moment I realized that my life had in fact, officially turned into a Sex and the City episode! Unfortunately, without the shoes and clothes.

Whole lotta crazy out there!

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There is a general rule in dating, that you don’t get physically involved in a relationship until after the first three months.  If you have read any of the Steve Harvey dating books, you know there a a multitude of reasons. What it all boils down to, is that you don’t find a persons true identity or personality until two to three months of knowing them.

Think about it. If someone is a new hire at your place of business, you think they are great at first. After a couple months you realize they are late all the time because they are hungover from the night before, over indulged their resume and cannot perform the job and they reveal all those pest nuances they hid so well in the beginning, like chewing food bovine style.

The same holds true for those you meet through online dating. Anyone can put on a good front for a couple of months, even when it comes to personality disorders or depression.  Ask anyone in the mental health field or who has had experience with people in those categories, eventually it floats to the surface. You can hide it for only so long.

 

After my second failed relationship with yet another man that should have been on antidepressants,  I was discussing the events with a friend. I asked him, “Haven’t you ever dated a woman on antidepressants?”. He responded with, “I don’t know?”. Well of course he wouldn’t know. First of all, he doesn’t stick around long enough to find out and secondly because when you meet someone online, they don’t come right out and say, “Hello I am Bernice and I take Zoloft.”!

Obviously in my line of work of selling romance items,  I have talked to  thousands of ladies over the last thirteen years about their personal and sexual lives. I have a pretty good understanding as to how many women and married men are on antidepressants, it is always discussed at my in-home parties. As women, we have absolutely no problem putting ourselves on medication. Women come to the conclusion that we are much better to ourselves, our family and the community if we calm our crazy. Married or single, we make the right choice for us and everyone else around us.

Married men are a little trickier.  If you do get your husband/boyfriend on medication, they have a woman that is willing to work with their lack of penis function. Let’s face it, it does effect the way you get aroused and your sexuality for men and women alike. This is one of the main reasons why I have had such a successful business over the years!

As a woman the vessel still works.  Might not be the same for us, but our bodies are still able to function.  There is still a hole to penetrate! Even a single woman can fake her way through it, but a single man? If his vessel isn’t working, NOTHING is happening! A single man trying to be on the dating scene and no peep action, how does he explain that? Either he has to confide to someone he just meets that he is on medication or he has to explain his lack of penis action. Regardless, it’s a sticky (you can only hope) situation.

Be aware ladies, there is a reason why you should adopt the three month rule into your already compiled long list of dating do’s and don’ts. If they are not willing to get medical help, they are not worth your time! You cannot help those that cannot help themselves.

 

 

Words With Friends ~ the new pick up joint?

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Being a friendly and competitive person, I never turn down a friend request or a new person to challenge my ability to put letters together in the best possible position with Words With Friends.

In the past year I have had three men (I use that term loosely) from high school, friend request me on Facebook. Not uncommon or strange for this to happen to most of us. Facebook is a way of connecting with those people in your past that you have absolutely nothing in common with in your present and would never be friends with in your normal daily life. You want to creep around my profile?  Live vicariously through me?  See that indeed I do look better now than I did in high school? Be my guest.  Person I do not remember from days gone by, I accept your friend request! 

What is your next move? Oh you go in for the innocent game of Words With Friends. Most of us play it with friends and family. Even if we don’t have a strong relationship with that person, we still will play the game as long as you don’t keep spelling the word ‘the’ and give us a challenge. But loser boys, you are different. You don’t want to start the game for any other reason except to see if you can strike up a conversation.

The private messages start off innocently enough, “How are you?”, then it goes into, “Oh you look great, can’t believe your single.”. Desperately, you try to find a commonality with us, followed by the infamous “Good morning”  message.  Seriously? Good morning messages are for those we actually have a relationship or at least slept with. When we don’t respond to the loser boys, they come back with, “What’s the matter, did I upset you?”. Are you kidding me? We are not friends or even acquaintances, how is it possible to hurt my feelings?

Listen up dummies, there are those of us that are not desperate enough to continue conversations with you in this new pick up joint. Why? Because we know you are married from your Facebook profile.  Just because the game is called Words With Friends doesn’t actually mean we are friends or that I even want to be friends with you.

We are on to your intended flirtatious ways of trying to start an affair.  You can’t go to online dating sites, someone you know will see your profile and tell your wife. You can’t try to meet women through Meet Up or other events, that means you will need to leave your home and she is most likely already suspicious of you.  You can’t text message women on your phone, your wife has already gotten Charlies’ Angel’s on you and searches through your messages. Words With Friends as your vessel, you can flirt with women in the privacy of your own home with your wife and children sitting next to you.

Think I’m making this all up in my very active imagination? It was confirmed by a married friend of mine that started his latest extra curricular relationship on Words With Friends. He told me the reason it happens to me, is because of what I do for a living combined with being single. I don’t agree. The same scenario has happened to some of my other midlife (crisis) single friends. We are women, we compare notes.

Men’s minds are raised to the level of the women with whom they associate.~ Alexandre Dumas

Yes Mr. Dumas, you are correct, but only if the woman lets them associate. If we as women do not reciprocate, they are left to their small minds.